Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
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I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
me: my friends:
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Why soy sad?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind