How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played