do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
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a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT