Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
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[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
🐕🍷
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.