nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
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Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk