I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
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We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.