Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
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I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
This hospital has everything
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda