Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
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Me recordaron éste meme
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.