[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
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When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Classic German Shepherd 😂
can’t believe I got front row seats
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts