ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
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A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I have so many questions.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
who did the taste test?
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.