ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
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The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Sharon I have some bad news
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent