Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
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Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Day 2 of my diet
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.