Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
You Might Also Like
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh