Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
You Might Also Like
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.