I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
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Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.