If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
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What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up