me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
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I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.