THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
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The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog