ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
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The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Just why bro?!
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
catch me on valentine’s day like
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs