ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
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Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
idk what this dog had been going through but same
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice