One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
You Might Also Like
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.