ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
You Might Also Like
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Storm Tropical Storm
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
whatcha thinkin bout
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
She: I like Cats
He:
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.