me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
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Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
describing stardew valley
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Nothing.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Wise advice
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.