me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
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How did we not see this back then?
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Spa day..😅
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Every BBC series about the universe.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do