me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
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Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.