bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
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me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.