Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
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*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed