Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
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I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Stick it to the man
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby