Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
You Might Also Like
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
decorating my apartment
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
never ask a starfish for directions
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.