Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
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I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
FRED: right
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators