Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
You Might Also Like
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?