Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
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It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”