Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
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Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding