ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
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I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
*sewing*
A thread
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick