Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
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[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Nigella has gone too far this time.