Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Good boy 😂😂
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.