Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
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“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂