Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it