Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
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[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.