Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
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I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen