Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
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It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.