Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
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Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.