Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
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BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
The three genders
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.