Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
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Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.