Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
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[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
blocked.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
absolute chaos
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital