ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
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ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Not😆🤣
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.