ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
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My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
found this cool rock hiking today
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out