Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
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My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.