I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
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How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
sigh
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
😬
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently