Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
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Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Nice try, NASA
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about